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I can’t even think right now.
Like I know this is partially a totally disordered mind speaking right now and that I’m like chemically programmed to be unable to do the friendship thing like other people, but I also feel like I have had very few friends in my life that I could actually count on, and the ones I did have were other pretty disordered people (hi eclectictsunami). Like, my college roommate was endlessly reliable, but we were more like one dysfunctional human than separate people. And so, it just feels like, why bother? Why have friends? What fucking good does that do me. If I hadn’t pretended at having friends I wouldn’t have spent today’s research seminar suppressing tears and the desire to kick someone. I wouldn’t have to bite my lip to have civil conversations with people who have let me down. I want to start crying and yelling and not stop. All appealing behaviors point nowhere good right now.
I don’t have time to be having a social crisis. I want to be mad and stew in that and not have to think about her existence, not navigate her apologies. Now I’m extra upset again and I need to do more homework before EfM tonight and instead I just want to go cry.
appointment to meet with my priest this morning. I’m just so withdrawn from anything in life outside of church, basically. just being at school lately is upsetting. today I have to get to campus for a research seminar (and deal with presidential visit traffic shit) and meeting with a professor. I am literally just in this mode where I am receding into my sweatshirt and not coming out.
Blessings be for people who don’t just accept “fine” as a response when things are not fine.
AKA I have a wonderful sort of surrogate advisor in the being of the professor I’m TAing for this semester. As she said to me, “you’ll learn that I have these kind of tentacles - I pick up on a lot of nonverbal cues.” In other words, my giant sweatshirt, unbrushed hair, extra high pitched voice, and lack of eye contact or affect are sort of obvious signs that I’m not okay today.
at Sunday School the kids introduced themselves with their name and one thing about them. so we got things like “I like apples” and “I love my mama” because they are 2.5-5 years old.
one of the little girls I know from VBS got to her turn, introduced herself and said, “I like Miss Bird!”
It’s going to be a nice year.
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